


Onus Quod Amor

by ABlackRaven



Series: Amare [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Gay, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Parenthood, Romance, Sirius Black Free from Azkaban, Sirius Black Lives, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, but also...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-04
Updated: 2020-07-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:55:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24993472
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ABlackRaven/pseuds/ABlackRaven
Summary: Onus Quod Amor"The Burden of Love"A short story exploring the relationship between Sirius and Remus, set in both the First and Second wars. A companion piece to my Harry/Cedric series "Amare"
Relationships: Cedric Diggory/Harry Potter (background), Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: Amare [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1757755
Comments: 12
Kudos: 68
Collections: Harry Potter FFs





	1. Possibilities

**Author's Note:**

> This piece is a part of a larger story, focused around a relationship between Harry and Cedric. There are some spoilers for that series in this, but I don't think you need to read that to understand this.  
> Here's a brief summary if you want to read this independently (spoilers, I suppose).  
> In this universe, soulmates are a thing. Soulmates feel drawn to each other, to protect each other, from the moment they meet. Soulmarks don't appear until soulmates have managed to reach a certain level of devotion to each other; they have a tendency to appear in near death situations. Soulmarks are a celtic knot with the initials of your soulmate, in their handwriting, in black ink on the inside of your left wrist. Not everyone finds their soulmate. It is traditional for unmarried soulmates to cover their wrists with red cloths.  
> In this "Amare" universe, Harry and Cedric are soulmates. The Dursleys were a lot worse than canon Dursleys. Cedric survived the graveyard, but he was captured and tortured leading up to the battle at the Ministry. Sirius didn't die, but Cedric's mother did. Sirius was also taken into Ministry custody, and that's where this story begins.

**Chapter 1: Possibilities**

The sound of his godson’s screams had not stopped ringing in his mind--had only just stopped echoing off the halls of the Atrium--as the Aurors rushed forward to drag him away. Sirius wanted nothing else in the world but to stay, to hold Harry and Cedric--two teenagers who had faced darker moments in their waking lives than most people’s nightmares. 

Cedric looked like he was about to fall over, and Sirius remembered bitterly what he had endured before Harry had rushed off to save him. _Just how long,_ Sirius wondered, _was he alone with Bellatrix? What, exactly, did she do to him? Poor kid…_

And Harry didn’t look much better. The panic that had jolted through Sirius’ heart when word that Harry and his friends had rushed off to save Cedric was only now--with the battle reaching its end--beginning to end. 

But the battle had left wounds that would take lifetimes to heal. 

It had taken Cedric’s mother far before her time. Sirius felt the aching grief in his chest, the empty place left by all the people he had lost, deepen. How could he go on living when the core of his being felt so...hollow? How had the pain not killed him many years ago? But this was nothing to the look in Cedric’s eyes; the teenage wizard looked like he was minutes from falling apart. 

And Remus... _did Remus survive?_ Last Sirius had seen, Remus was hanging on the edge of life and death, only held on this side by Cedric’s willpower. Cedric had appeared in the atrium, Remus was nowhere to be seen...it was unthinkable. 

But there was no time to ask Cedric what had happened, Aurors were rushing forward, Harry was screaming, Dumbledore was arguing with the Ministry...Sirius knew none of them had the energy to keep fighting that night. 

“Harry,” Sirius’ voice was as empty as his chest felt as he lay a hand on his godson’s shoulder. The evenness of his voice was strained, forced--beneath it was turmoil. “Let it go. Dumbledore will protect me. We’ll see each other again--I _promise.”_

Promises were never to be made lightly in times of war, and Sirius was not about to lie to himself--they had truly entered a time of war. There was no other word for it. 

“No…” Harry’s voice was barely a whisper as Sirius began to walk away, and Sirius felt his heart breaking--for what was surely the thousandth time in his life--for the pain in a voice so young. Cedric pulled Harry close, and Sirius was again grateful Harry had found someone so strong to help him through the burdens of living. 

Sirius tried to smile and failed; belatedly, he realized he was crying. An Auror was taking his wand, another was magically binding his hands, the cameras of the press were illuminating the scene in harsh flashes...the last he saw of Harry and Cedric they were both crying, and then he was gone, engulfed by the green flames of the floo. 

The Aurors were leading him down long, dark hallways. Sirius was too tired to object as they took him to a holding room, too tired to really listen to whatever they were saying. With every step, he felt the pain building in his chest...what if Remus _wasn’t_ okay? The healing spell Cedric had been using to sustain his heartbeat looked really advanced, and Cedric was a powerful and talented young wizard but he lacked experience. If only Thea, a trained Combat Healer, could have gotten to him…

What if Remus wasn’t okay? What if he was...gone?

There was a high probability he was. 

The Auror who had been sitting across from him in the holding cell, apparently realizing he wasn’t likely to get any coherent answers out of Sirius, left. The door to the cell closed with the sound of a lock, as if Sirius had the energy to attempt any escape. In an instant the adrenaline of battle finally faded, and Sirius was left struggling to process. 

Wringing his hands together, his fingers brushed against the red cloth tied around his left wrist, the covering of his soulmark. Beneath that red fabric, inked by magic in black, were Remus’ initials, nestled within a Celtic Dara knot. It had appeared more than a decade ago, during the first war, when Sirius had realized he would die for Remus, when Remus had taken that curse for him…

And once again, Sirius hasn’t been able to protect him. 

He had left Remus on the edge of death. Cedric had screamed for him to run after Harry, and in that moment Sirius knew he had no choice. The only person that could save Harry, Cedric’s soulmate, in that moment was Sirius. The only person that could save Sirius’ soulmate in that moment was Cedric. So he had left Remus on the edge of death. 

And he knew he would always choose to save Harry, even if he faced that choice a thousand more times, because that’s the same choice Remus would make. Rare it might have been, but sometimes there were people even more important than the other half of your soul…

Surely he would feel the death of the other half of his soul? Surely he would know. Was that what the hollow pain in his chest really was, a notification from the universe that his love had died? 

With every passing second it felt more and more likely that he had lost Remus. Attempts to rationalize that he _might_ have survived, that he _might_ be okay felt more and more desperate and illogical. 

A ragged sob tore its way out of his chest. 

_Harry was right,_ Sirius thought bitterly. _We were so foolish to let the world keep us apart...we wasted the time we had..._

If Remus was gone, Sirius thought it would surely be easier to die than live with the pain. He wouldn’t be the first soulmate to die of grief. Maybe it would be better if the Dementors had gotten to him, acted on their kiss-on-sight orders...maybe if Sirius had never escaped Azkaban…

 _Harry would still be at the Dursleys._ A small, yet insistent voice said at the back of his mind. Flashes--memories of the state Harry had arrived at Grimmauld Place, memories of the way the wounds had overlapped old scars on his back--assaulted Sirius’ mind. _Harry…_

Harry. 

Even if Remus was gone--even if Sirius was alone...there were reasons to go on living. He still had people relying on him, people he loved deeply. And Sirius could not help but feel he had made a horrible mistake with Remus, wasted the time they were given, and he was not willing to repeat that mistake with anyone else. 

Why had it taken him so long to learn this lesson? 

A future wasn’t unimaginable; he just had to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. The impending trial wasn’t unwinnable; he just had to hope Dumbledore could build a strong enough case in his favor. The impending war wasn’t unwinnable either; they just had to go on fighting longer than the other side. 

And they would, because they had something worth fighting for. 

And maybe, just maybe, he could find the space in his heart to make room for some hope until the trial. Maybe, after everything he had endured and lost, he deserved to hope that the light of the world, the love of his life, had survived. 

It was more than a week before the trial was called, and in that time Sirius had nothing but hope to live on. No message from Dumbledore, no visit from anyone from the Order--for days the only other living being he saw were the unfamiliar Aurors who brought his food. 

He felt himself slipping away by the third nightmare. From that point on life was nothing more than blankly staring at walls, eating, and nightmares. Sirius cried more than he had allowed himself to cry in a long time. He stopped caring about appearing composed in front of the Aurors. 

The pain of old, festering wounds of guilt had been overturned. If only he had been Secret Keeper, if only he had been there that night at Godric’s hollow, if only he had held onto Harry instead of running after the rat, if only he hadn’t failed Lily and James...Their lives could have been so much better, if only he had made better choices. 

Every moment he was haunted by the thought of Harry and Cedric in pain, of Remus dying...There were moments where he lost the capacity to hope at all. 

But all of that darkness fell away the moment he entered the Wizengamot chamber, scanned the viewing benches desperately, and laid eyes on Remus. It was replaced by overwhelming hope and solid resolve--he was going to win this trial, pull Remus close and never let go again, and go home with his family. 

In realizing Remus had survived, Sirius felt not unlike the first time he and Remus had kissed, like anything was possible…

* * *

The sun dawned cheerily the day after the leaving feast. Sirius, who had enthusiastically partaken in the Seventh Year graduation party the night before and woken up to a throbbing hangover, was not so cheery on his last morning in Hogwarts castle. The sound that escaped him as he sat up was something between a groan and a grunt. 

“Morning Sunshine,” Remus, who had clearly been up and dressed for sometime, said happily. 

Despite the pain in his head, a small smile twitched at Sirius’ lips at the nickname. Almost immediately after finding out Remus was a werewolf Second Year, Sirius had given him the nickname Moony. Remus had dubbed him Sunshine in return. Nobody else called him that, and most of the time his nickname was Padfoot, but he couldn’t deny the warm happiness in his chest every time Remus used it…

Of course this probably had something to do with the crush he had harbored for his friend for two years, but it wasn’t like he was ever going to take any action on that, so what did it matter?” 

“I don’t think I have to tell you I told you so but…” Remus said, grinning wildly and pulling Sirius out of his thoughts. “I told you so.” 

“It was my last chance to get drunk in school,” Sirius said, grouchy as the pain of the headache increased. “I had to make the best of it.”

“You really didn’t.” Gesturing to the sleeping forms of Peter and James--it appeared only Shacklebolt and Remus were up early--Remus chuckled, “But the three of you certainly did.” 

Sirius rolled his eyes, suppressing a yawn, “At least we have you to watch out for us. That’s practically the same thing as responsible adult supervision.” 

“I let you get away with _far_ too much to be considered responsible,” Remus muttered, sitting down next to him on the bed. “But, I do feel obligated to remind you of the stupidity of your actions before I give this to you…” He trailed off, brandishing the vial of Pepper-Up in his hands teasingly. 

Sirius groaned, “Please Moony, not another lecture,” he grinned, “I promise; last night was the last time I’m going to get drunk like that in school.” 

Remus was laughing, and Sirius thought it was a music he would have been content listening to for the rest of his life. “Well, I had thought to make you suffer but since I can hardly judge you when our Head Boy was just as bad…” 

Sirius took the proffered vial gratefully. The electrifying coldness of the potion slithered down his throat, sending a tingling sensation along his nerves. Within a handful of seconds his headache was breaking up and he felt like he might actually be able to stand without keeling over. 

But he didn’t stand up just yet. 

Sirius was acutely aware of Remus’ gaze on him, and looking back he found himself consumed by his friend’s eyes. This was their last morning at Hogwarts together, their last conversation sitting on the edge of this bed, one of their last moments together as students…

“Sunshine…” Remus trailed off, as if struggling to find the words. Ironic that someone almost singularly responsible for most of his essays not completely failing would struggle with words. 

Sirius was struck, as he had been on more than a handful of occasions, by the desire to kiss Remus. It would be so easy to reach out with his hand and gently brush the hair behind Remus’ ear and cup his cheek and lean in and…

Not for the first time, Sirius wondered how Remus would react. Fourth Year Remus dated that Ravenclaw girl...when Sirius came out Remus had been as supportive as James and Peter, but what would he do if Sirius kissed him? Would he be insulted and disgusted, like that Hufflepuff Sirius made such a horrible mistake with? Would he just gently pull away--break Sirius’ heart gently? Or would he kiss back? 

These were some of the many questions Sirius, lost and confused, had discussed with James at odd hours of the night up on the Astronomy tower. What was it James had often said in response--what was the advice Sirius constantly lacked the courage to follow? 

_“You’ll never know unless you try.”_

Gryffindor courage, Sirius had found over the years, was a fickle thing. There were moments he desperately needed it and it abandoned him entirely. Every time he had been silent in the face of his family’s bigotry, for example. There were also moments he didn’t expect it all all that it overwhelmed him, like the day he came out for the first time. 

Surprisingly, this was the latter kind of moment. 

Sirius was leaning in before he had quite realized what he was doing, Remus was staring at him intently--was that look in his eyes fear, confusion, or excitement? They were so close--

“Moony!” James shouted hoarsely, sitting up on the other side of the room abruptly. “My head feels like it’s about to split open...please, Merlin, please, I will endure _any_ lecture... _help_.” 

For a moment no one spoke. James was squinting against the light, holding his head in one hand and a glass of water in the other. Sirius was staring at Remus, feeling the courage leave him with an abrupt rush. Remus had turned sharply away and was now staring intently at the floor. 

“Help,” James repeated. “Please?” 

“I’m not your mother,” Remus muttered, but there was no true annoyance in his voice as he stood up, another vial in hand. “You big baby.” By the time he had reached James, his voice had reached its regular levels of sarcasm. 

Sirius knew the moment was gone. Possibly the very last opportunity he had to tell Remus how he really felt before they left Hogwarts...and he had let it slip like smoke through his fingers. Would he ever find the courage, he wondered, or would he one day stand next to Remus as he married someone else? 

Every fiber of his being seemed to scream _‘This is right’_ when he was close to Remus. He had this instinctual, overwhelming _need_ to protect Remus, ever since he found out about his condition...or maybe that instinct started much sooner. The moment he had seen Remus that day on the train...he felt something. 

It was love. Of course he loved all the Marauders, and he didn’t necessarily love Remus anymore than James and Peter (and Lily, for that matter). But what he felt for Remus was different somehow. The pull was stronger, it felt him desiring more than he had. 

It was extremely frustrating, because for years he had never had the strength to act on it. After he came out, he dated other dudes; some broke up with him, some he broke up with, knowing no one but Remus would ever be enough. But Remus...Remus had only ever dated girls, never shown any indication that he was anything but straight…

So Remus couldn’t risk it, wouldn’t risk it.

“You coming Pads?” James, now fully dressed, asked, waiting by the door. 

Sirius followed his friends numbly to breakfast, feeling like a coward even as he laughed and smiled. It seemed impossible this was their last time sitting together at Gryffindor table, and yet it felt so ordinary. James had his arm around Lily, they were as adorable as usual. Peter, even less of a morning person than Sirius and James, was struggling to keep his eyes open. Remus was right next to Sirius, and he was hyper-aware of every time their arm brushed against each other. It was like hundreds of other mornings, really, except that it was the last of its kind. 

And before Sirius was quite ready to say goodbye to this place, this home, the Seventh Years were grouping together to walk down to the docks on the black lake. James, Lily, Peter, Remus, and Sirius talked fondly of the past seven years. The subjects none of them wanted to be thinking about, the war that they were prepared to fight in, were left consciously unspoken about. 

Like so many moments this past year, this moment was about recapturing the time the war had taken from them. Not every battle with Voldemort was fought with wands. Sometimes, it was about the little things. Sometimes, it was about just giving themselves the space to be teenagers. 

Sirius caught himself looking over at Remus so many times--but it had to be his imagination that Remus was looking back at him. There was some unspoken tension between them--but it couldn’t be what he so desperately hoped it was, right? 

“Alright,” James said abruptly, interrupting one of Peter’s rambling stories. “Padfoot, Moony, this is ridiculous.” 

“Sorry?” Remus asked, clearly confused. 

“Both of you have been pining after your crushes for years now,” James said, grinning, “and in a handful of minutes we’re leaving Hogwarts. Are you really going to leave Hogwarts without telling them how you feel? Bloody pair of Gryffindors you two make. Hurry up and tell ‘em before Minnie comes along.” 

Sirius felt his brain short circuit as he looked over at Remus. “Uh…” 

_Remus has a crush and James knows about it,_ he realized with a sinking stomach feeling in his stomach. _Surely, James would have told me if it was me, and he didn’t, so Remus has a crush...and it isn’t me. Damn you Prongs, why would you tell me to tell him if you know he doesn’t feel the same? Unless…_

Remus was looking at him intently. Sirius felt his heart skip a beat. 

And this was one of those moments where he desperately needed that Gryffindor courage and felt it abandon him. He wanted to take a step closer, pull Remus close and...but he couldn’t. The tension between them was palpable, brittle like glass, any move would shatter it and he wouldn’t be able to hold himself back. Sirius didn’t have the strength to take the first move. 

But he didn’t have to, because in the next moment Remus took a step forward. 

Remus took a step forward and wrapped his arm around Sirius’ shoulder, pulling him close, and before Sirius knew what was happening their lips were crashing together. Sirius felt his brain short circuit as warmth exploded in his chest. Distantly, he heard the Marauders cheering, but at the moment he didn’t care who saw or what they thought. That didn’t matter. The whole world fell away, all that mattered was Remus. 

Everywhere their skin brushed Sirius felt electric sparks erupt. Any space, all space, between them was too much, they were pulling themselves desperately closer. It was a feeling of euphoria he wished could have lasted forever. No kiss he had before, even with other guys, felt quite like this. 

It felt like anything was possible.


	2. It Doesn't Make It Easier; It Just Makes It Bearable

**Chapter 2: It Doesn't Make It Easier; It Just Makes It Bearable**

There had been a lot of hard moments in Remus’ life. When he faced his first transformation, when he was just a child, before the invention of the Wolfsbane potion. When Sirius risked his life for Remus and Remus thought he had lost him--that same moment that their soulmarks had appeared. When he was told three of his best friends were dead and that Sirius had betrayed them. When he saw the shattered light in Sirius’ eyes that night in the Shrieking Shack. 

Somehow this was worse. 

Seeing Sirius face the trial--a trial he didn’t deserve to be put through at all--hurt worse than he could have ever predicted. Knowing he had been kept in isolation for days, the look in Sirius’ eyes when he scanned the rows of visitors and finally saw Remus, realized he wasn’t dead, was heartbreaking. Remus had to restrain himself from rushing onto the chamber floors and gather the man in his arms and never let go. 

There was really only one thing that kept Remus from falling apart into tears under the weight of it all as the trial began: Harry. Harry, who had been through so much, and was now facing the criminal trial of the first person in his life he had truly been able to consider a parent. 

_ The Dursleys,  _ Remus thought darkly.  _ Don’t count.  _

Harry needed him to be strong, so he was. 

Once, Remus had asked James how he could go on while every moment he knew Harry and Lily were in so much danger, how the weight of caring for them--the weight of parenthood in a war-torn world--hadn’t killed him yet. That was a few months after he broke up with Sirius, after they decided a relationship just wasn’t possible to prioritize with the war. James had replied that he wasn’t sure he would have survived without Harry, that he had something to be strong for. 

_ “It doesn’t make it any easier,”  _ he had said grimly, holding a sleeping baby Harry in his arms with all the tenderness in the world.  _ “It just...makes it bearable.”  _

And now, Remus understood. 

He didn’t have the luxury of falling apart. Harry needed him to be strong, so he was strong. 

It didn’t make it any easier, it just somehow made it bearable. Harry’s needs were prioritized above his own, above even Sirius’ needs, and that was just an unspoken fact of Remus’ life. He couldn’t change it, and he didn’t want to. It was a burden he bore willingly. 

But that would have never stopped it from hurting. 

Sirius, for his part, faced the trial with an overwhelming amount of courage. The Sorting Hat certainly knew what it was doing when it put him in Gryffindor. It was only when he began to speak of that night he had arrived at Godric’s Hollow to find James and Lily dead that Sirius’ voice began to truly waver. And when Sirius spoke of holding his godson desperately to his chest until Hagrid arrived to take Harry away, Remus felt silent tears escaping him. 

All those years ago, when he had been so caught up in his own pain, Sirius had faced it alone...in Azkaban…

Not for the first time, Remus’ heart ached for Sirius. 

And when Harry took to the stand in support of his godfather, Remus felt pride swell in his chest, overwhelming the pain of it for a moment. He could almost feel the presence of Lily and James in Harry. There was James’ courage, the mark of a true Gryffindor. There was Lily’s kindness, the highest form of strength. And there was something more, something transcendentally beyond words, that was entirely Harry. 

Remus could not help but look upon his honorary godson and remember the state he had found him at the Dursleys, not more than a year prior. Alone in that dirty, tiny room, Harry had looked so defeated. Even the strongest can only fight so long before it breaks them, and it had come close to breaking Harry that past summer. Remus still woke up with nightmares imagining what might have happened if they had left Harry there even a day longer…

But in spite of this, even after enduring another nightmarish year, Harry was standing tall. His chin was held high, his voice was steady and confident. 

_ Lily and James, you deserve to be here,  _ Remus thought as the Wizengamot began to confer and Harry returned to his seat in the stands.  _ You deserve to meet the incredible man your son has become.  _

When the vote of Sirius’ fate was finally called, Remus held his breath. He sat stone still, didn’t even want to blink, not wanting to risk doing anything to jeopardize the moment. If more people raised their hands to convict than to exonerate, Remus just didn’t know what he would do. 

Before Harry came into their lives, Remus would have died for Sirius without a moment’s hesitation. Sirius would do the same. The physical evidence for this, the depth of their feelings for each other, was marked into the skin of their wrists with their soulmarks. 

But the moment Harry drew breath, both of them knew something changed. In the First War, it had led them to break up. Fighting for a better world for Harry’s future was more important than personal happiness or satisfaction or desire. And after Sirius escaped from Azkaban, the burden of Voldemort’s second rise to power had kept them apart again. 

Now the unspoken promise they had made to each other was simple; they simply couldn’t-- _ wouldn’t _ \--leave Harry alone. The Weasleys were good to him, and Remus was eternally grateful Harry had them the past five years, but they couldn’t give him the personal attention he needed. Cedric was amazing for Harry’s life, but sometimes what Harry needed wasn’t just his soulmate--sometimes he needed a parent. And that’s what Sirius and Remus were, in a way no one else in Harry’s life had been: parents. 

So if Sirius was convicted, Remus didn’t know what he would do. He only knew he would somehow find the strength to be there for Harry. 

“Cleared of all charges,” Dumbledore’s voice rang through the chamber, and Remus felt it hit him in the chest with a wave of relief so strong it almost had a physical force behind it. Shacklebolt unchained Sirius from the seat in the center of the room and began to lead him away; Sirius managed to shoot a watery smile their way before he disappeared. 

“Come on, Harry,” Remus felt himself speak. A sea of emotions were fighting in his voice, and for once they were positive. Eagerness, relief, simple happiness. For once, it looked like something was going right in their lives. “They’re taking him to a hall away from the press, we can see him there.” 

Remus did not miss the shaking in his hands and legs as he walked along, his pace quick, propelled by those emotions. He did not have intentions about lying to himself; he knew how close he and Sirius had come to losing each other again. He almost died on the battlefield. Sirius was almost thrown back in prison. 

The time they did have was too precious to let the impending war keep them apart. If Remus was going to die fighting for a better world for the future, he wanted to die knowing he didn’t waste that time. But...where did Sirius and him stand? 

The path to the visitation hall the Ministry worker took them on avoided the crowded Atrium, which was undoubtedly crawling with press. When they arrived Sirius was already there, anxiously rubbing his hands over where the shackles had bruised the skin. With a pang, Remus saw the flash of red fabric where the cloth covered Sirius’ soulmark. 

He had tied that fabric around Sirius’ wrist when they were just nineteen, barely adults…

Sirius' eyes landed on Harry just as Harry took off at sprint. The two crashed together in the center of the room in a desperate embrace, like they were both equally afraid the moment was too good to be true. Sirius had a hand carded through Harry’s hair, his eyes were closed, tears were streaming down his face.

Remus found himself hesitating, waiting on the edge of the room with Cedric and Amos. He stuffed his shaking hands in his pockets, and he stood still. The smile on his face was genuine, if not a little bittersweet. All this week Remus had agonized over Sirius' fate, wished that he could just see him, hold him close, see if they couldn’t possibly rekindle what they once had...But now, actually facing him…

Part of him told him it was time to mourn what was and really move on. The threads of the past could not always be untangled and picked up as if no time had passed. Some hurts were too great, some wounds too deep. Pretending that the thirteen years apart hadn’t happened, pretending that the world wasn’t going to chaos around them, pretending that they weren’t terrified of Harry facing it all...it just wasn’t possible. 

Sirius and Harry broke apart after a moment, and Sirius turned, his gaze connecting with Remus’ eyes. He could have sworn the air suddenly buzzed with electricity, and a moment later Sirius was running forward again, towards Remus. 

Sometimes the threads of the past couldn’t be untangled; sometimes the fiber had to be respun into the threads of the future. 

Remus wrapped his arms around his friend tightly, pulling him close, never wanting to let go. Even after the week in Ministry holding that left him unkempt and underfed, Sirius was so familiar it  _ ached.  _ For a moment that--just being close to each other--was enough. Until it wasn’t--until every millimeter of space between them was just too much. 

“Moony…” Sirius trailed off, his voice an intimate whisper. 

“Sunshine,” Remus whispered back. “I don’t--I can’t do this anymore. Kiss me.” 

And Sirius did just that. They only broke apart from the hug to come crashing back together, their lips moving together in a kiss that had been building for years. 

It was a desperate kiss, not unlike the kiss Sirius had pressed on Remus after their soulmarks appeared...

* * *

Sirius was sitting in the guest bedroom of Potter cottage, a mug of something warm Lily had pressed on him clutched tightly in his shaking hands. Diego, the family cat, was curled up against his leg on the sofa, purring. Blankly, he stared at his left wrist and the black ink of the newly appeared soulmark: Remus’ initials, written in his looping script, nestled within a Celtic knot. 

The totality of what that mark meant was only slowly dawning on him; earlier there hadn’t been the time to think about it. 

And his hand...he had scrubbed them earlier. He had rushed to the bathroom and scrubbed them, not caring how hot the water was. He had fallen apart, fallen to his knees, crying. James had to come and get him and hold him and even then, he couldn’t stop crying. For all his scrubbing, there was still blood underneath the nails and stuck in the cuticles. 

Remus’ blood. 

Swallowing hard against the bile rising in his throat, forcing himself to keep his breathing even lest he dissolved into another panic attack, Sirius slowly looked up. Remus was lying on the bed in potion-induced sleep, and he almost looked peaceful. But beneath the soft grey blanket, beneath the bandages covering his chest, was a horrible wound. 

It stretched from the top of Remus’ left shoulder to just above his right hip. The cutting curse the Death Eater had cast--cast  _ at Sirius _ \--had almost killed him. 

Sirius screwed his eyes shut tight, as if he could somehow block out the flashes of memory from invading his mind. 

The flashes of spellfire had split the night like flashes of lightning, illuminating the world only in snapshots. Sirius and Remus were running, knowing they were outnumbered, knowing that their only chance was getting to the edge of the Anti-Apparition wards. They almost made it. 

But before they could, a Death Eater appeared in front of them. Sirius flew forward on an instinctual need to protect Remus, his wand flashing through the air like a sword. The Death Eater fell to the ground, stunned and bound a second later. 

It was the second Death Eater he should have seen. 

Hooded and cloaked, this one emerged from the shadows like a thing of nightmares. The purple spellfire left their wand, illuminating the skull of their mask with strange light, and there was no time for Sirius to react. In a strange sense of calm, he accepted whatever fate would befall him when that spell met its mark, only hoping that Remus would still be able to get out. In that moment, it was all so clear to him--Sirius knew that he would die for Remus without hesitation. 

Except that spell didn’t hit Sirius; Remus pushed him out of the way, screaming his name. The purple light struck Remus in the chest and he crumpled to the ground with a cry of pain that sent daggers into Sirius’ heart. Remus had chosen to risk death rather than let Sirius come to harm. 

Sirius didn’t just speak the curses that felled that Death Eater; he screamed. 

He gathered Remus in his arms as blood began to pour from his body, black against the dark colors of his robes in the twilight. Wisps of light began to gather around them, floating in the darkness like tiny spectral fireflies. The light swirled around the two of them with a dance-like rhythm, and then pooled into bright orbs and traveled to both of their left wrists. For a moment they shone brightly, like two static  _ Lumos  _ spells, and then they faded. He didn’t need to look to know a pair of soulmarks had appeared, didn’t need to look to know it was Remus’ initials on his wrist. 

“Pads…” Remus coughed up blood as he spoke. “Sunshine, you’ve gotta get out of here…” 

Sirius was crying, speaking incoherently. Remus was growing weaker every second, the wound growing deeper. On a deep, intrinsic level, Sirius knew if he didn’t get Remus back to Potter Cottage quickly, he would die. And that was unacceptable. 

It felt like the longest distance he had walked in his life. His muscles were shaking with exhaustion, and not for a second did he ever think of letting go of Remus. The second he got to the edge of the wards they Apparated with a loud crack, appearing suddenly in the lawn of Potter Cottage--home. 

That was the only word for that place. It might have belonged to Lily and James, but it was home to Sirius and Remus--Peter, too. They called them “guest rooms” but really there was Peter’s room, there was Sirius’ and Remus’ room, and there was the theoretical future child’s nursery. Remus and Sirius didn’t stay there often, and Peter even less, but it was an unspoken truth. 

And now Sirius was running as fast as he could to home, his soulmate bleeding out with every second. 

If Lily and James had not come immediately at his frantic calls, if they had not taken immediate action, Remus might have still died. Sirius was too shell shocked to do much more than stay on his feet as they took Remus from him. They got him up on the kitchen table, sweeping aside the herbs Lily had been chopping for potions, and immediately set to work. 

The curse was still deepening the wound. Lily and James worked together to stop it, a perfect team, anticipating each other’s needs without words as they fought the dark magic. And when Remus was finally stable and the bleeding had stopped, they took him up to bed and Sirius followed numbly. 

Lily had pulled him into a hug as James settled Remus. Sirius had fallen apart, sobbing into the cloud of red hair covering her shoulder. When he finally saw the blood coating his hands, it felt like all the air had suddenly been sucked out of the room. He panicked and ran out of the room, rushing to the bathroom, scrubbing his hands frantically. 

That was only a handful of moments ago, and now Sirius was sitting there, still in shock, his hands shaking even as they clutched at the mug Lily had handed him. At least Remus wasn’t in any pain anymore, Lily had spelled potions into his stomach earlier. 

But he almost  _ died.  _

Sirius didn’t finish the tea in the mug, he left it on the nightstand. Hastily taking his boots off with fingers that were still shaky, he made his way to the bed and laid down gently next to Remus. He had expected it to be hours before he found sleep, but the sheer exhaustion of the night finally won. 

When he woke, warm sunlight was streaming into the room from the window, turning the yellow walls golden. He was warm and safe. And across from him, awake and looking at him with gentle green eyes, was Remus. 

“Morning Sunshine,” Remus said softly, his voice no more than a whisper. 

“Remus…” Sirius trailed off, his emotions choking on his words. 

“Shh,” Remus leaned forward slightly, resting his forehead against Sirius’. “We’re alright now love, we’re going to be okay.” 

“But you  _ weren’t, _ ” Sirius said, his voice cracking as his hands found Remus’ and intertwined tightly. “Remus you...there was so much blood and--” 

“I know,” Remus said sadly.

Sirius brought a hand up to gently brush through Remus’ hair. Over the past three months there hadn’t been as many chances to get it cut, it was scruffier and longer than usual. “Remus...you can’t do that to me. Not again.” 

Remus frowned, and then turned away with a small grimace of pain, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and sitting up. “No, I won’t apologize for that,” he said bitterly, not meeting Sirius’ eyes. “Don't ask me to make promises I won’t keep.” 

“Moony!” Sirius didn’t know quite why he was shouting, except that all the emotions building inside him were suddenly far too much to handle. “You can’t just...You’re not a human shield!” He was on his feet, throwing his hands in the air. 

“I’m not entirely human,” Remus muttered, rubbing his temples with his hand. 

“Is that what this is?” Sirius demanded, trying not to cry. “Remus--for the last bloody time, I don’t  _ care _ . James doesn’t care. Peter doesn’t care. Lily doesn’t care. We--I love you. I can’t lose you. Your life apparently doesn’t matter to you, but it matters to me!” 

“And you think you don’t matter to me?!” Remus said sharply, standing up and turning around, again wincing with pain. Abruptly Remus pulled back his sleeve and shoved his wrist out, showing the soulmark there. “This appeared on my wrist too, Sirius. I would die for you, and that has nothing to do with what I think of the worth of my own life. I love you.” 

“Then…” 

_ Then don’t make me feel like I’m losing you again, I can’t take it.  _

“Sirius, this is something both of us have to live with,” Remus said, his tone gentler. “Do you think it’s been easy for James and Lily, fighting in this war? It hasn’t been easy for any of us, and it’s not going to get and easier any time soon. But…” he took a step forward, reaching and closing his hands over Sirius’. “But we have each other, and that’s something.” 

Sirius kissed him, because there was no other conceivable action to take. Any distance between them was too much, he pulled his soulmate closer and closer. They were desperate, only carving out space for their light in the darkness through sheer willpower. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you, as always, to Tree Spiral for betaing! This little side project has brought me a lot of joy, hope you're all enjoying


	3. I'll Make A Million Mistakes

**Chapter 3: I'll Make a Million Mistakes**

After that kiss, it should have been easy. Sirius  _ thought  _ it would be easy. 

_ Why, after everything they had gone through, couldn’t one Merlindamned thing be easy?  _ Hadn’t they suffered enough? It simply wasn’t fair. 

Of course, Sirius had known life wasn’t fair for a long time. If life were fair...Remus would never have been bit. Sirius wouldn’t have grown up in a house of people who hated him. Prejudice and violence wouldn’t have torn their lives apart. Lily and James would be raising Harry. 

So it wasn’t easy, and Sirius found himself hesitating outside Remus’ bedroom, his hand freezing just a heartbeat before it rapped on the door. It was only a few hours ago they returned from the Ministry; only a few hours ago Sirius sat down with the people he considered family--people who didn’t share a singular drop of blood with him--and promised he was going to do better. 

He had made so many mistakes, and it was only looking backwards he could see the depth of irresponsibility of his actions. That terrified him; what was to stop him making those same mistakes in the future? Sirius didn’t know if they could afford any more losses. 

Just before walking here, he had gone to say goodnight to Cedric and Harry. The look of the shattered light in both of their eyes--in the eyes of two people so young--was still haunting him. What they had lost, what they had endured, the weight they were still carrying…

That damned Prophecy. 

And now Harry knew the truth, and Cedric knew the truth, and Sirius had never felt so helpless in the face of his loved ones’ pain. 

He needed Remus. More than that, Sirius wanted Remus. He knew he could no longer handle this forced space between them. But what, exactly, did that mean for them? 

Sirius could remember, after all that time, so vividly what they had been like, before. For those blissful first handful of years, just after they left Hogwarts, in which they had been the most important people to each other. Sometimes Sirius would have sworn they were so close Remus could hear his thoughts. But, strangely, it was after their soulmarks appeared they started to tear apart--hardly typical. 

_ War changes people,  _ Sirius thought bitterly. 

More and more people were dying. Order missions got more frequent. The war sunk its teeth into every moment of their lives, leaving no moment unblemished. Fighting took up more and more time; until they simply couldn’t make the space in their lives for a relationship anymore. 

Never for a moment had Sirius loved Remus any less, even when he was thrown in Azkaban, even when he knew Remus hated him for what he thought Sirius did. Remus was his life, his light, his love--forever. But love doesn’t always have the power to overcome circumstances. 

And circumstances hadn’t changed; they found themselves on the cusp of a war. Except…

_ Except now, they’re the young ones.  _ Sirius thought to himself, the faces of Harry and his friends flashing through his mind.  _ Harry… _

The priority that had superseded their relationship hadn’t gone anywhere, if anything Harry needed their protection more than ever. Last time, this tore them apart. Now, it seemed both of them didn’t have the strength to stay apart. How could those two priorities--Harry and each other--coexist? 

* * *

Remus couldn’t believe it was happening, that they were actually there--after months of anticipation, Lily was finally giving birth. They had gathered all the Marauders for dinner at Potter Cottage, a rare feat with their schedules during the war, and Lily’s water had finally broken. Even several hours later, surrounded by St. Mungo’s hospital, Remus’ mind was struggling to catch up with the shock. 

“Hey,” Sirius’ voice, hoarse with exhaustion but filled with the excitement all of them were feeling, nearly startled Remus out of his skin. “Pete’s going to hop out to get some food for everyone, the Healers are saying it's going to be a bit--but she’s healthy. And so is the baby.” 

“How’s Prongs holding up?” Remus asked as Sirius sat down beside him on the bench, a smile twitching at his lips. “I’m sure having nothing to do but sit around and wait is getting to him.” 

Sirius inclined his head, “He’s anxious, and fidgety, and he cried on my shoulder a bit earlier, but he’s dealing with it as best as could be expected.” 

“They’re going to be amazing parents,” Remus said quietly, sadly. 

There was a distance growing between them, one that he had not quite noticed until it was horribly significant. Nothing had changed about his feelings for Sirius--Remus would still die for him in a heartbeat. Nor had anything changed about his attraction to Sirius--Remus still found him beautiful in every sense of the word. Remus still loved Sirius, and he still knew Sirius loved him in return. But now the war overshadowed everything. 

The words of their last argument were still ringing in the caverns of his heart. It wasn’t that the argument had been particularly bad, it was that they had been arguing over things that didn’t even matter. Once, they had only argued about things that really,  _ really  _ mattered, because both of them couldn’t bear causing the other any pain. But now...the stress of the war was too much, they were snapping at the smallest things. 

“Yeah,” Sirius said, just as quietly and sadly. 

_ Better than we would ever be,  _ Remus thought bitterly.  _ We’re a mess.  _

“Sirius…” Remus trailed off, knowing there weren’t really the words to convey any of what he wanted to say. 

“Everything’s changing, isn’t it?” Sirius said, not asking the question directly at Remus. “James and Lily, this...this kid, Remus, I just...I already know I would give the world and make the choice to die for him in a heartbeat.” 

_ There’s someone we would choose to save over each other,  _ Remus realized. 

“Yeah,” Remus said, leaning back against the wall and looking over at Sirius. Neither of them looked great, they hadn’t slept properly in weeks, and Remus had just gotten back from a week-long mission. “Yeah, I know what you mean.” 

“I just can’t,” Sirius sighed heavily. “I can’t imagine the kind of courage it takes to bring a child into…” he gestured helplessly at the world around them, “this.” 

“We’ll help them through it,” Remus said, his voice steady with a confidence he didn’t know he possessed until that moment. As he spoke, he knew the words to be some of the truest he had spoken. “We’re going to make this work for them, because they’re our family.” 

“And we’d do anything for them,” Sirius said, looking away. “But Remus, I just think…” Sirius’ voice, strained with emotional turmoil, finally broke, and Remus felt a twinge in his chest for his boyfriend’s pain. “Merlin, this is harder than I thought it was going to be. Soulmates aren’t supposed to go through this.” 

Suddenly Remus didn’t need Sirius to speak to know what he was going to say.  _ Oh,  _ Remus thought, the realization hitting him.  _ We’re breaking up.  _ And, strangely, it wasn’t a surprise. On some level it hurt, but there wasn’t any anger--at least none directed at Sirius. 

“I just don’t think we…” 

Remus sighed heavily, “This fucking war. You’re right...Sunshine. We don’t have the time, or the energy, to be together right now. We need to prioritize fighting. For...for the kid. He’s worth it.” 

“Yeah,” Sirius said, leaning over and kissing Remus gently on the cheek. A moment later Sirius was standing up and walking back towards the Hospital Ward, hands stuffed into his pockets. “He really is.” 

Remus let himself cry a bit. That wasn’t something he did often, he just didn’t have the time. But there, in that moment, alone in a dim St. Mungo’s hallway at three in the morning, he let himself let go for a minute and just be upset. 

Harry was a miracle, Remus decided upon seeing him. 

There weren’t many miracles in war, there was only one constant: death. There was magic--magic was, after all, a daily part of life--but there weren’t miracles. Not like this. Harry was a beacon of light and hope and joy so bright it was almost blinding. Harry was nothing but limitless potential and innocence and... _ life.  _

Remus felt love unlike anything he had ever felt blooming in his chest. Somehow it was so much deeper than anything he had ever felt--deeper than anything he had ever felt for Peter, Lily, James, and even Sirius. From the moment he drew breath, Harry was the most important thing. 

He was the future. 

And the moment he held his honorary godson for the first time, Remus knew they had made the right choice. The most important thing they could do was fight for a world Harry could grow up safe and loved in. 

If only he could have known that winning the war would cost Harry everything...

* * *

Remus had spent years regretting past mistakes. In the years he struggled to get by, where every waking hour had to be consumed by working and trying to find work, regret was probably the closest thing he had to a hobby. This evening, like so many, he was sitting up with a book, staring at the pages unseeing, uncomprehending, lost in the novels of his own thoughts. 

Except this evening, unlike so many of the past, he wasn’t alone. 

Sirius--the man he had longed for for so many years--was in this very house. All Remus had to do was get up and go look for him. Could they hold each other together even as they fell apart? Could they be enough to...just..be? 

After that kiss, for the first time in a long time, Remus had started hoping for something for himself that he hadn’t dared hope for: a real relationship. Once he found Sirius, the other half of his soul, once the celtic knot had appeared on his wrist...Remus knew there would never be anyone else. Only Sirius, and war and circumstance had ripped Sirius away from him for so long. 

_ But not now,  _ Remus thought, abruptly slamming the book closed and getting to his feet. He strode to the door quickly, confidently.  _ We’re here now. We have to do whatever we must to make this work, because I don’t know that we can survive without. And the time we have is too precious--if I’m going to die, I’m going to die having let Sirius know just how much I love him. We can make this work...Lily and James did… _

Remus opened the door, and Sirius was already there. Remus didn’t hesitate, he pulled Sirius close in the tightest embrace he could muster. They just stood there for a long moment, just soaking in each other’s presence, trying not to cry. 

And it was only in Sirius’ presence Remus could really put a scale to the depth of the pain he had felt for nearly fifteen years. A part of him was whole that had been fractured; a part of him was healing that had been wounded. 

He was crying, there was no stopping it. He just couldn’t help but wish, bitterly, that they had been able to be there for each other like this when Lily and James died. It had hurt so much to grieve alone....

* * *

Sirius would have died if they would have let him. He certainly tried, despite the precautionary measures. Death, even the Dementor’s Kiss, would have been preferable to this waking hell. 

Loneliness took on a whole new meaning in Azkaban--even for Sirius, a man most acquainted with loneliness in the past. He didn’t know it was possible for a place to make him long for Grimmauld Place. At least there, the worst pains were physical. 

The guards didn’t even talk to him, just came by routinely to slide in the tray of gray mush that was theoretically sustenance. When he stopped eating it, one of them started spelling it into his stomach without a word. The only companionship he had was himself, and, at this moment, he hated himself more than he had ever before. 

The fog of the Dementors was a constant. It gave the darkness in his mind teeth and swords to cut his sanity apart, little by little. His nightmares were sharper, his thoughts more bitter and filled with self hatred. Somedays, he wondered how long it would be before he joined the Raving Voices--that symphony of madness unique to this hell. Periodically one would pass by closer to the door and force him to relive the past. 

_ James, Lily... _

Their names were weighing on his heart every waking moment, every sleeping moment, and every moment in between. He closed his eyes, and saw the cold, unseeing eyes of his best friend staring back. He closed his eyes and saw the woman he loved as a sister lying dead at the foot of the cradle of...Harry…

_ Harry. Oh Merlin, what have I done?  _

On his shoulder was the faded black ink of another magical mark: the mark of a godfather bond. He should feel it weighing slightly on his magic, waiting to be activated. Numbly, Sirius knew it never would be, because he would never be able to legally take in Harry. He had failed everything he had promised when he took on that burden. 

_ Where is Harry now? Dumbledore...surely Dumbledore kept him safe. Surely he’s with people who love him, who will protect him. He has to be. Maybe he’s with Remus? That’s where he should be...Remus can protect him, love him. Oh, Remus… _

His hand brushed against the red cloth on his left wrist, the cloth Remus had so lovingly tied once. No doubt Remus had been told by now what had happened. Did he hate Sirius?  _ He should, I hate myself. I swore to protect them, and I failed.  _

A Dementor passed by, and the world went colder than it already was. Sirius could hear screeching, his mother’s voice, yelling obscenities. He had just come out--if he already wasn’t a disappointment, now he was nothing but a disgrace. At some point he just snapped and ran, and when he made it to the Potter Manor, James held him as he cried... _ James.  _

The memory shifted, and Sirius found himself once again at the door of Potter Cottage. He didn’t want to go inside, but he had to. There was the body--the corpse--of his best friend. Someone was screaming, he rather suspected it was himself. 

The Dementor continued on, leaving Sirius shaking, crying, and so, so cold. 

Remus had to be hurting. Sirius would have given anything to go to him, to hold him close and remind him that he wasn’t alone--except that Remus and Sirius were both alone…

* * *

Part of Remus wanted to die, mostly because it felt like part of him already had. There was a hollowness in his chest that no force in the universe could possibly fill--they were gone forever. Lily and James. Peter. His best friends, his...family. 

And it would almost be easier if Sirius had died too. 

Perhaps that would be easier, because if Sirius was dead there wasn’t much use hating him. It hurt so much to hate Sirius, to think of his betrayal. Maybe it hurt so much because a part of him still loved Sirius and would always love Sirius…

So Remus was crashing on the couch of Peter’s flat, not having the strength to attempt to return to Potter Cottage. There were empty firewhiskey bottles--far too many bottles--strewn about the room. There was a full bottle on the coffee table that Remus didn’t even have the energy to open. 

He had cried more than he had thought possible. And, locked in his prison of sorrow, he had longed for one of them--Lily, James, Peter...even Sirius, to be there to hold him and tell him it was going to be alright. But they were all gone. He was alone. 

A part of him wanted to ask Sirius  _ why _ , because he just simply couldn’t imagine the man he had fallen in love with doing this. But a larger part of him was terrified of what the answer would be. Nothing could justify what Sirius had done. 

_ Why, Sirius?  _ Remus thought, staring at the photo he had clutched in his hands. They were all there: Lily, James, Harry, Peter, Remus, and Sirius. They were happy. Looking at that photo, at their smiling faces, at a perfect moment captured in time, it was almost like the war had never happened. But the war had happened, and had torn Harry’s parents away from him…

_ Harry!  _ Oh Merlin, what was he doing? He’d been sitting around crying for weeks. What about Harry? Where was Harry?! 

Before Remus had quite processed the numerous split-second decisions he was making, he was on his feet and out the door. He Apparated to Hogsmeade without a second thought, taking off to the castle at a run. As luck would have it, Dumbledore was already outside; it was eerily like he had been waiting for Remus. 

“Where is he?” Remus demanded hoarsely, aware he probably looked horrible. 

“Sirius is in Azkaban my dear boy,” Dumbledore said, his voice not unkind. At the mention of  _ his  _ name Remus felt daggers shooting through his heart and he was afraid he would fall apart all over again. 

“Not Sirius!” Remus bellowed, waving his hands in the air futilely. “Harry! He’s my godson as much as he was Sirius’. He should be with me. Lily...James...I’m named in the will, for Merlin’s sake!” 

Dumbledore’s eyes grew grave, “The will of the Potters has not been found. Without it, and without the godfather bond, which they gave to Sirius, no Ministry court will grant you custody. I’m so sorry, my boy.” 

“Where is he?” Remus demanded again. “You haven’t answered my question, Albus! I don’t care about the bloody Ministry--Harry. Belongs. With. Me.” 

“Harry is safe,” Dumbledore said quietly. “He is with family, and only they can protect him.” 

“Family?” Remus said incredulously. “ _ I’m  _ Harry’s family--he doesn’t have anyone else! The Potters are gone...unless, you can’t seriously have put him with Lily’s family? Merlin, you did! Where the hell is my kid, Albus?” 

Bitterly, a memory flashed through his mind of James’ wedding. The day had been perfect, except for...Lily’s family. Lily’s sister was bitter and judgemental of anyone with magic, and her husband, a whale of a man, didn’t seem to have an empathetic bone in his body.  _ Oh, Merlin, what kind of home is Harry in right now?  _

“I cannot tell you Remus,” Dumbledore said quietly. “But this is what is best for Harry. The Ministry has seen petitions from all the pureblood families to adopt him, can you imagine what would happen if...Well, I had considered having him placed with the Longbottoms. It is a good thing I had the sense to wait. Harry will be safe with his blood.” 

Remus felt like he was going to be sick. He had visited Frank and Alice just the other day in St. Mungo’s, and they had just been moved to long-term care. Neville had lost his parents too, to a fate worse than death.

“But will he be loved?” Remus asked quietly, his voice breaking. He could remember growing up lonely, growing up crying. He could remember growing up with pain he could not remember not having. He didn’t want that for Harry. 

“He will be safe,” Dumbledore repeated. 

Years later, Remus often wished he had pushed harder that day. When he took the Defense position at Hogwarts, he finally had a chance to get closer to Harry, to the man he was becoming. And what he saw broke his heart. He didn’t need to see the scars to know the signs of abuse. 

And then Sirius showed up, and everything changed, but that would never erase the years Harry had endured…

* * *

“We’ve made so many mistakes,” Remus said softly. 

They were laying in bed, arms around each other, desperate to be close after so long apart, both unable to find the peace to sleep. Sirius rested his head against Remus' chest, comforted by the steady, quiet rhythm of the heartbeat he found there. After more than a decade of feeling incomplete, in the presence of his soulmate, Sirius finally felt whole. 

_ Mistakes... _ Sirius thought, guilt weighing heavy on his chest. 

“Most of them mine,” he muttered bitterly. “Merlin, I was so stupid Moony. I should have...I should have just left  _ him  _ to the Aurors. I was just so…” 

“Angry?” Remus said quietly as he gently rubbed his calloused fingers against the back of Sirius’ hand. “Yeah, me too.” 

“It’s my fault,” Sirius said heavily. “If I had just--” 

“Shh,” Remus leaned in, covering his lips with a tender kiss. “If we just start listing the ‘ifs’ and the ‘should haves’ we’ll never leave.  _ I  _ should have never trusted that Harry was safe with his relatives,  _ if  _ I only had...we’re only human, Sunshine. Harry has forgiven us. James and Lily...have forgiven us, I just know it.” 

Sirius was quiet for a long moment, searching for the right words. “How do we do it, Remus? The last war tore us apart.” 

“Which is why we can’t let that happen this time,” Remus said firmly, resting his forehead against Sirius’. “Our priorities haven’t changed Sirius, we have to protect Harry. And the only way to do that, is to win the war. So that’s what we’ll do. But...I can’t help but think the biggest mistake we made last time was separating. I need you Sirius, we’re stronger together. I almost died--again. I guess if we’re doing to live on death’s razor, I don’t want to risk losing you without having had you, completely. I love you so much Sirius” 

“I love you too,” Sirius said, emotion filling his words. And in that moment, Sirius knew with certainty that love would always be a burden, but it would never be a mistake. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A huge thank you, as always, to Tree Spiral!  
> That's end of this little side story, but this series is far from over. Lookout in coming weeks for "Amor Qui Sanat" my Hedric rewrite of Half-Blood Prince.


End file.
